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Three AM


Ron Burgundy in Space

This is my last week here in Arkansas. As of Sunday, I will be a Texan once again.

Thoughts about the move:

Getting a house ready to sell is not easy. The big stuff (carpet, new doors, etc) is easy... it's the small stuff that makes you tear your hair out (if I had hair)

I've lived in this house longer than any one place in my entire life (8 years almost to the day)

I've lived in Fayetteville as long as I lived in Texas growing up (16yrs each)

Thinking very seriously about a new tattoo... it'll look like this. Yeah, I know it's a littly dorky. But I've wanted a treble clef for years and I finally found a design that I like. It's a custom design from an online friend.

I'm going to miss Colliers on Dickson. There is no way I'm going to find a pharmacist in DFW that welcomes me by name when I walk in the door.

I've lived in Fayetteville for 16 years and I have never eaten at Herman's.

I'm going to miss Dickson St. Bookstore. I think I'll swing by this Saturday and grab a t-shirt.

I'll get to see Ranger games on a regular basis. Yay!

Actually looking forward to living with my folks for a while. They have a large house with more than enough room. My mother retires in two days, so she will be at home which means I have help keeping an eye on my child and we have built-in babysitting so TheWife© and I can actually go out to eat or see a movie every once in a while (since TheKid© was born, we've been out alone three times in three and a half years)

When we get our new house (whether we build it or buy an existing house) I am going to build a custom desk utilizing every thing I've learned that I like and dislike in all the desks I've ever had. It will also have a murphy bed built into it. I'll post pics when I build it. It will be epic.

I've been jonesin' hard for live poker. With all that has been going on (the move, brain tumor, etc) I haven't had the opportunity to go play anywhere in town in a long time. My brother-in-law is a poker player as well, so I'm sure to have the chips flyin' soon after I arrive in Texas.

If we get anywhere near what we are asking for the house, we will be able to pay off everything (remaining mortgage, CCs, car, student loan) and still have enough left over to make a large down payment on the next house. We will be in our mid-thirties, married with a child and debt-free on our own without help from anyone. I'm so proud of that fact.

Since my mother will be at home, I can work a few days a week. I'm hoping to substitute teach. It would be very interesting to teach at Keller ISD schools since that is where I attended growing up in Texas. I see myself in circles.

A good friend may have an opportunity to move to the DFW area with his job. I can't tell you how awesome that would be if that happened.

My father just this week left Jordan (it was getting too dangerous for reason I can't divulge) and has moved to (wait for it) Fort Worth. The coming together of all these events is mind boggling. I haven't seen my father in 7yrs. We haven't even lived in the same country for most of my life and now we will live in the same city. I'm 34 and this will be the first time that has happened since I was 6. Unreal.

Although I was born in Texas and I'm moving back, I'm still a Razorback. I attended the UofA and that's where my loyalty lies. Besides, even growing up in Ft. Worth, I hated the Longhorns. (Go Horned Frogs!)

Time for bed.

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When we last left our hero, he was stressing over a diagnosis of a malignant neoplasm (cancer). It turns out that this diagnosis was made in an effort to get everyone's attention so I could be get my tests completed as soon as possible.

While I appreciate the effort put forth to encourage expediency, the fact that I was not informed of this and that I was allowed to think that I had cancer for nearly 24hrs is still a sore spot for me.

Here is what I learned during my adventures in Medical Land

I (probably) do not have cancer. As I had mentioned before, the size and location of the growth suggests that it is benign. The only way to be 100% sure, however, is to do a biopsy. The risks associated with this procedure are simply too high to be attempted. So I have to live with "most likely benign" for the time being.

Dr. Rod Rohrich is a family friend. He asked Dr. Duke Samson to look over my case. Dr. Samson brought Drs. Peter Roland, Jonathan White and Brandon Isaacson in to get their opinions as well.

I gave nearly a liter of blood, was given another MRI and another CT Scan and my case was brought before the entire staff of both the Neurology and Otolarynology departments at two conferences Wednesday morning. The level of attention and care I was given was outstanding. All of these doctors came to the conclusion that my pain and the growth were probably unrelated. And since the growth poses no immediate danger, the safest thing is to simply keep an eye on it and leave it right where it is. The risks vs. the reward for this type of surgery just don't make it worth the chance that removing it won't help my pain at all, and would most likely cause other problems in the process.

So, at the moment, there is no clear-cut diagnosis. Dr. Isaacson (for whom I have the highest respect. This man really made an incredible impression on me) seems to think the probable explanation are small lesions on the nerves themselves. This can only be treated with medicine. They are going to start me on some new meds and see if this helps in any way. In the meantime, I go back in six months to take a look at the mass in my skull to see if there has been any growth or movement. If not, then they just leave it. If there is any change, some very difficult decisions will have to be made.

While I don't particularly like the "We don't know exactly what's going on", I'm happy that I (probably) don't have a malignant mass in my head. My hope is that these new meds will work and I will be able to resume my life without this incredible pain. If not, there are other meds we can try. And, as was pointed out to me by three doctors, there is a slight chance that the growth and the pain is actually related in some way. None of them think this is the case, but they cannot completely rule it out just yet. In that circumstance, I'm back to where I started.

So, I feel relieved and frustrated all at the same time.

Many thanks to all of you who have sent your well-wishes and good vibes my way. You guys are awesome..!

Okay. This isn't a post I wanted to make. I do, however, want a record of what I'm feeling and what my fears are so I can (hopefully) look back on this and realize how lucky I (hopefully) was when all this is over.

Next Tuesday, I have an appointment in Dallas with one of the top neurologists in the country and also with the top neuralgia expert in the south.

Let me back up...

For the past several years, I have suffered weird heart-related issues, almost-constant severe nausea and, for the last six months, nearly unbearable pain on the right side of my face, with a sharpening on every single breath. The first two symptoms have been treated a few times with limited success. The pain is a different story. At first, I thought it was an ear infection. My ear was clear, so I was told it was probalby mastoiditis. A CT scan came up negative for this. Then I was sent to an ENT doctor here in town who told me it was TMJ. I told him he was stupid. Then I was sent to UAMS in Little Rock to the Chair of the ENT department. He told me it was my teeth or possibly my vocal chords. He sent me to a vocal chord specialist who finally figured it out. After six months of bouncing from doctor to doctor, someone finally listened and actually thought about it instead of jumping to quick, easy explanations.

Glassopharylgeal Neuralgia - a compression of the 9th cranial nerve.

Now the question was whether it was a blood vessel pressing against it or some kind of mass. So I was sent for an MRI

The MRI report said this:
Within the right skull base, at the level of the petrous apex, an oval mass is identified that measures 12x7x7mm. Further evaluation with CT is recommended to determine if there is presence of bone erosion or expansion.

Basically, this means it is compressing not only the 9th cranial nerve, but also the 7-10th cranial nerves. These nerves control heart function (explains my heart palpitations), my digestive function (explains my nausea) and several other things. Oh, and I started losing the hearing in my right ear two days ago. This is also related to the mass.

Here's the good news. Masses in this particular location and of this size are rarely malignant. So, most likely, no cancer.

Bad news. I now face a very serious surgery in which I will be on the operating table for around 15hrs while the surgeons cut open my skull and slice into my brainstem, gently pushing vital nerves out of the way. One slip and my heart stops, or I can never digest food anymore, etc. But I cannot live with this pain indefinitely. I simply can't. So, under the knife I will go.

When this will happen, I do not know... but it will be within the next few weeks. What I do know is that I may be able to get similar care somewhere else, but there is nowhere that I could recieve *better* care than where I am going. Two department chairs at a prestigious hospital are personally overseeing my care. Given the circumstances, I couldn't be in a better situation.

Knowing this makes me feel a bit calmer about what is imminent, but I'm still scared to death (no pun intended). There are so many things that can go wrong. So many, in fact, that I wil be in ICU afterwards for several days so they can make sure I'm not going to die as the nerves slowly move back into place. This is as serious as surgery gets, I'm told. And I don't even want to talk about the scar that will be behind my ear for the rest of my life.

At first I was happy when I found out that it is (most likely) not cancer. I had been trying for days to figure out how I was going to tell my child that 'Daddy may be going away for a long time' or of trying to explain death to a three year old. I cried at nite at the prospect of not seeing my child grow up, of not being there when he needed a father (because I know what it's like not having one growing up) and of my own mortality. The news that the mass was probably just a freak cyst was actually a huge relief, and it still is, to be honest. Whenever I start to get stressed about what is about to happen, I calm down by reminding myself "At least it's not cancer."

But now the reality of what is to come settles in. A surgery that could kill me quicker than the cancer and without giving me a chance to say goodbye.

At least it's not cancer...

At least it's not cancer