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Three AM


Ron Burgundy in Space

This is my last week here in Arkansas. As of Sunday, I will be a Texan once again.

Thoughts about the move:

Getting a house ready to sell is not easy. The big stuff (carpet, new doors, etc) is easy... it's the small stuff that makes you tear your hair out (if I had hair)

I've lived in this house longer than any one place in my entire life (8 years almost to the day)

I've lived in Fayetteville as long as I lived in Texas growing up (16yrs each)

Thinking very seriously about a new tattoo... it'll look like this. Yeah, I know it's a littly dorky. But I've wanted a treble clef for years and I finally found a design that I like. It's a custom design from an online friend.

I'm going to miss Colliers on Dickson. There is no way I'm going to find a pharmacist in DFW that welcomes me by name when I walk in the door.

I've lived in Fayetteville for 16 years and I have never eaten at Herman's.

I'm going to miss Dickson St. Bookstore. I think I'll swing by this Saturday and grab a t-shirt.

I'll get to see Ranger games on a regular basis. Yay!

Actually looking forward to living with my folks for a while. They have a large house with more than enough room. My mother retires in two days, so she will be at home which means I have help keeping an eye on my child and we have built-in babysitting so TheWife© and I can actually go out to eat or see a movie every once in a while (since TheKid© was born, we've been out alone three times in three and a half years)

When we get our new house (whether we build it or buy an existing house) I am going to build a custom desk utilizing every thing I've learned that I like and dislike in all the desks I've ever had. It will also have a murphy bed built into it. I'll post pics when I build it. It will be epic.

I've been jonesin' hard for live poker. With all that has been going on (the move, brain tumor, etc) I haven't had the opportunity to go play anywhere in town in a long time. My brother-in-law is a poker player as well, so I'm sure to have the chips flyin' soon after I arrive in Texas.

If we get anywhere near what we are asking for the house, we will be able to pay off everything (remaining mortgage, CCs, car, student loan) and still have enough left over to make a large down payment on the next house. We will be in our mid-thirties, married with a child and debt-free on our own without help from anyone. I'm so proud of that fact.

Since my mother will be at home, I can work a few days a week. I'm hoping to substitute teach. It would be very interesting to teach at Keller ISD schools since that is where I attended growing up in Texas. I see myself in circles.

A good friend may have an opportunity to move to the DFW area with his job. I can't tell you how awesome that would be if that happened.

My father just this week left Jordan (it was getting too dangerous for reason I can't divulge) and has moved to (wait for it) Fort Worth. The coming together of all these events is mind boggling. I haven't seen my father in 7yrs. We haven't even lived in the same country for most of my life and now we will live in the same city. I'm 34 and this will be the first time that has happened since I was 6. Unreal.

Although I was born in Texas and I'm moving back, I'm still a Razorback. I attended the UofA and that's where my loyalty lies. Besides, even growing up in Ft. Worth, I hated the Longhorns. (Go Horned Frogs!)

Time for bed.

©2007 WhipSmart Moving Co. & Sandwich Shoppe
Push it, push it real good
All Rights Relocated

When we last left our hero, he was stressing over a diagnosis of a malignant neoplasm (cancer). It turns out that this diagnosis was made in an effort to get everyone's attention so I could be get my tests completed as soon as possible.

While I appreciate the effort put forth to encourage expediency, the fact that I was not informed of this and that I was allowed to think that I had cancer for nearly 24hrs is still a sore spot for me.

Here is what I learned during my adventures in Medical Land

I (probably) do not have cancer. As I had mentioned before, the size and location of the growth suggests that it is benign. The only way to be 100% sure, however, is to do a biopsy. The risks associated with this procedure are simply too high to be attempted. So I have to live with "most likely benign" for the time being.

Dr. Rod Rohrich is a family friend. He asked Dr. Duke Samson to look over my case. Dr. Samson brought Drs. Peter Roland, Jonathan White and Brandon Isaacson in to get their opinions as well.

I gave nearly a liter of blood, was given another MRI and another CT Scan and my case was brought before the entire staff of both the Neurology and Otolarynology departments at two conferences Wednesday morning. The level of attention and care I was given was outstanding. All of these doctors came to the conclusion that my pain and the growth were probably unrelated. And since the growth poses no immediate danger, the safest thing is to simply keep an eye on it and leave it right where it is. The risks vs. the reward for this type of surgery just don't make it worth the chance that removing it won't help my pain at all, and would most likely cause other problems in the process.

So, at the moment, there is no clear-cut diagnosis. Dr. Isaacson (for whom I have the highest respect. This man really made an incredible impression on me) seems to think the probable explanation are small lesions on the nerves themselves. This can only be treated with medicine. They are going to start me on some new meds and see if this helps in any way. In the meantime, I go back in six months to take a look at the mass in my skull to see if there has been any growth or movement. If not, then they just leave it. If there is any change, some very difficult decisions will have to be made.

While I don't particularly like the "We don't know exactly what's going on", I'm happy that I (probably) don't have a malignant mass in my head. My hope is that these new meds will work and I will be able to resume my life without this incredible pain. If not, there are other meds we can try. And, as was pointed out to me by three doctors, there is a slight chance that the growth and the pain is actually related in some way. None of them think this is the case, but they cannot completely rule it out just yet. In that circumstance, I'm back to where I started.

So, I feel relieved and frustrated all at the same time.

Many thanks to all of you who have sent your well-wishes and good vibes my way. You guys are awesome..!

Okay. This isn't a post I wanted to make. I do, however, want a record of what I'm feeling and what my fears are so I can (hopefully) look back on this and realize how lucky I (hopefully) was when all this is over.

Next Tuesday, I have an appointment in Dallas with one of the top neurologists in the country and also with the top neuralgia expert in the south.

Let me back up...

For the past several years, I have suffered weird heart-related issues, almost-constant severe nausea and, for the last six months, nearly unbearable pain on the right side of my face, with a sharpening on every single breath. The first two symptoms have been treated a few times with limited success. The pain is a different story. At first, I thought it was an ear infection. My ear was clear, so I was told it was probalby mastoiditis. A CT scan came up negative for this. Then I was sent to an ENT doctor here in town who told me it was TMJ. I told him he was stupid. Then I was sent to UAMS in Little Rock to the Chair of the ENT department. He told me it was my teeth or possibly my vocal chords. He sent me to a vocal chord specialist who finally figured it out. After six months of bouncing from doctor to doctor, someone finally listened and actually thought about it instead of jumping to quick, easy explanations.

Glassopharylgeal Neuralgia - a compression of the 9th cranial nerve.

Now the question was whether it was a blood vessel pressing against it or some kind of mass. So I was sent for an MRI

The MRI report said this:
Within the right skull base, at the level of the petrous apex, an oval mass is identified that measures 12x7x7mm. Further evaluation with CT is recommended to determine if there is presence of bone erosion or expansion.

Basically, this means it is compressing not only the 9th cranial nerve, but also the 7-10th cranial nerves. These nerves control heart function (explains my heart palpitations), my digestive function (explains my nausea) and several other things. Oh, and I started losing the hearing in my right ear two days ago. This is also related to the mass.

Here's the good news. Masses in this particular location and of this size are rarely malignant. So, most likely, no cancer.

Bad news. I now face a very serious surgery in which I will be on the operating table for around 15hrs while the surgeons cut open my skull and slice into my brainstem, gently pushing vital nerves out of the way. One slip and my heart stops, or I can never digest food anymore, etc. But I cannot live with this pain indefinitely. I simply can't. So, under the knife I will go.

When this will happen, I do not know... but it will be within the next few weeks. What I do know is that I may be able to get similar care somewhere else, but there is nowhere that I could recieve *better* care than where I am going. Two department chairs at a prestigious hospital are personally overseeing my care. Given the circumstances, I couldn't be in a better situation.

Knowing this makes me feel a bit calmer about what is imminent, but I'm still scared to death (no pun intended). There are so many things that can go wrong. So many, in fact, that I wil be in ICU afterwards for several days so they can make sure I'm not going to die as the nerves slowly move back into place. This is as serious as surgery gets, I'm told. And I don't even want to talk about the scar that will be behind my ear for the rest of my life.

At first I was happy when I found out that it is (most likely) not cancer. I had been trying for days to figure out how I was going to tell my child that 'Daddy may be going away for a long time' or of trying to explain death to a three year old. I cried at nite at the prospect of not seeing my child grow up, of not being there when he needed a father (because I know what it's like not having one growing up) and of my own mortality. The news that the mass was probably just a freak cyst was actually a huge relief, and it still is, to be honest. Whenever I start to get stressed about what is about to happen, I calm down by reminding myself "At least it's not cancer."

But now the reality of what is to come settles in. A surgery that could kill me quicker than the cancer and without giving me a chance to say goodbye.

At least it's not cancer...

At least it's not cancer

Just heard the report on NBC that Molly has passed away. I have admired her writing since I was in college. I am going to miss her spunk and sarcasm.

I woke up this morning and, for the first time in five years, I am no longer an LJ 'Paid Member'. I let my subscription lapse because I don't feel like paying for this anymore. I stated my reasons for this in a previous post and I won't rehash them, but I find it ironic now that I am a 'Free Account' I finally feel like making a post.

My wife and child are in Florida visiting my mother-in-law. I would be with them, but I don't fly unless I absolutely have to. Plus it's been nice having a week to myself here at the house. I cleaned out the garage and built a bookshelf early in the week. It's a good thing I did those projects already because today I'm sick. It's a sympathy cold, I think, because my child got sick down in Florida yesterday. I hate being away from my child to begin with, but when he's sick and I can't be there it really makes me feel lousy. So I went to bed last nite with a slight fever and I wake up this morning with a nasty cough and a weak voice. What's worse, however, is that I have that damned Burt Bacharach Geico commercial 'song' stuck in my head. "I got hit in the rear. Lizard licks his eyballs. I hope I never get hit in the REEEEAR again." Ugh.

©2007 WhipSmart Health Clinic and Sandwich Shoppe
All Rights Feverish

I haven't talked about this at all here. Not for any reason, really, but if I start talking about my health problems, I'd never be finished.

But this one has me worried.

About two months ago I started getting this weird pain in my ear when I would take a breath. It hurt all around the ear and even in the earlobe. After several days, I assumed it was an ear-infection (I came to this conclusion after I caught myself tugging on my ear) and went to the doctor.
Well, my ears were clear so the doctor thought maybe it was mastoiditis, which is a really nasty infection that can cause all kinds of serious problems. I was put on anti-biotics and told to come back if the pain didn't go away. Six days later I go back because the pain has not subsided at all. I go in for a CT scan to confirm the mastoiditis diagnosis. The CT comes back clear, no infection. Now the mystery begins.

My doctor sent me to an Ear, Nose and Throat guy. He looks in one ear and sits down and tells me I have TMJ. This is, of course, ridiculous. The only symptom I have is the pain and even that doesn't fit the diagnosis. So both my doctor and I agree that his diagnosis is way off.

She puts me on Prednisone for a while to see if that helps. It doesn't.

So now I'm going to see the head ENT guy at UAMS because I am such a mystery. And an answer cannot come soon enough.

Two months of a cold, diffuse and sometimes sharp pain in, around and beneath the ear with every single breath. Every single breath for two months.

The pain meds are starting to lose their effectiveness and the pain is getting worse. It has gotten to the point that things that before would only mildly annoy me are sending me into wild rages. About 30min ago I completely destroyed my office door and frame because I couldn't figure out how to do something in GIMP.

This has me really worried.

I have always had a temper and I have put my fist through many a wall (including a brick wall and even thru a car back in high school. The latter had about 20 witnesses. No one bothered me after that) but it took so little to set me off this time.

I just hope that something can be done and soon because I am literally losing it. I'm not to the point where I'm gonna find a roof and a rifle, and I don't quite feel out of control, but I am close.

ugh...

I love it when you can actually see the weather change like this...

Do you realize that Congress just made it more likely that I would be accused and arrested for terrorism than be a victim of terrorism?

Three subtle areas of hyperattenuation are identified within the right lobe of the liver on the pre and immediate post contrast images that demonstrate no significant enhancement but are isodense on delayed images. These likely represent small atypical hemangiomas and are better seen on ultrasound. Alternatively, they could represent focal area of fatty infiltration. The two most prominent areas measure 8 and 11 mm in size. The risk of a malignant process is felt to be very unlikely

There really isn't a treatment for these things, so as long as they aren't bothering me, I can go my merry way... I have to go back right before Christmas to have another ultrasound to make sure it isn't growing or changing, but they think this is also unlikely...

Still having the back pain, though... But doc fixed me up with some 'better living through chemistry' pills...

Many thanks to all who have offered up well-wishes and sympathy during this very stressful week... You guys are awesome..
I think we'll celebrate by going to the County Fair tonite...

I went in for an ultrasound Friday afternoon to see if I had gall stones... The tech was cordial and talkative... until she got to my liver and kept taking picture after picture after picture and turned very quiet... when I asked, jokingly, if she was seeing anything weird, she said solemnly that she wasn't allowed to tell me, but left the distinct impression that she was indeed seeing something she had not expected to see...

I knew I wouldn't get the results until Monday at the earliest, so I stressed all weekend about what the tech may or may not have seen... Monday comes around, no call from my doctor... Tuesday, no call from my doctor and my calls aren't returned... Wednesday, I call the clinic where I had the ultrasound performed to make sure they had sent the results to my doctor...

"They were sent today" was the answer...
"Today?" I asked, surprised...
"Yes, the radiologist had to confirm some findings"
"Thank you."

FUCK

So my doctor finally calls me about half an hour ago... They found masses next to my liver... they are calling me tomorrow to schedule a CT scan to determine what the hell these damn things are...

So, hemangioma or malignant tumor... no one knows... the doctor's office was 50/50 on the situation...

Here's to hoping my life does not completely change by this time next week...

Ok, the Republican controlled Senate Committee on Environment & Public Works issued a statement today claiming that the Associated Press was incorrect in asserting that scientists praise the Al Gore movie An Inconvenient Truth...

In that statement, there's this little gem:

Gore’s claim that global warming is causing the snows of Mt.Kilimanjaro to disappear has also been debunked by scientific reports. For example, a 2004 study in the journal Nature makes clear that Kilimanjaro is experiencing less snowfall because there’s less moisture in the air due to deforestation around Kilimanjaro.

Yeah, they're using deforestation as an argument against global warming... The senators that sit on an environmental committee don't know that deforestation is one of the many factors of global warming...

Nice one, guys... you really stuck it to Al Gore with that one...

It never occured to them (or the staff that did the fact-checking, or the interns that typed up the damned thing) that 'less moisture' is a euphemism for drought, which is, of course, a symptom of global warming... so, in effect, these nonces inadvertantly confirmed the claim in the movie...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry... These are the people who are making the decisions, folks...

ugh...

and by the way, you can read the rest of the statement here...

that was made much easier after reading this post earlier today...

I am not going to renew my paid member status...

When I started with LiveJournal (back in January of 2001 - 5 and a half years ago! My user# is 42535 for goodness sake...) I was intrigued by the independence of this place... it was cool and (dare I say) hip and I gladly supported it with my money... I wasn't paying to get any extra features, but I believed in Brad and the whole group...

But now, it's just another corporate shell... there's nothing here to support... I could continue to pay and get eleventy-billion icons, but that's not why I paid my $19.95 a year...

So, that's it... no more paid LJ for me as of two days after Christmas... I just don't believe in the concept anymore...

I'll still hang around and keep in touch and make posts, I just won't be putting more money into the pockets of someone who sees me as an unfavorable demographic because I'm not a 17yr old girl...

I'd do my whole Connie Chung "Thanks for the Memories" routine, but I'm tired...

it all started Monday...

Due to the fact that I've had a few steroid shots over the past month (due to allergies) I've put on some weight (I say some, it's more like 15lb) so I decided that this week I would really watch what I eat... I had nothing but water and carrots during the day but had hamburgers and tater-tots for dinner...

About 9:30pm my stomach began to swell... at first I thought it was just gas so I took some gas-x but that didn't help at all... and by 10pm it was getting painful...

( Here's the gross part )

At about midnight, I had become so dehydrated that I began to hallucinate... Apparently, I started by telling my wife that there were too many people in the bathroom (it was just her) and then telling her that some of those people could be doing something useful like doing laundry... then I started talking in German...

We all decided that it was time to go to the ER... luckily, my wife is in the medical profession so she was able to skillfully help me to the car (I was barely concious and as weak as I have ever been) and we drove to the hospital at 2am...

My heart rate was 130, my BP was 80/30 and my temperature was 101.6 according to the nurse... (I learned all of this later, I don't even remember getting to the ER) I do remember two nurses talking about how sunken my eyes were and that my lips were blue and that I was going straight to a room...

They started me on IV fluids and some form of anti-nausea medicine (I've had adverse reactions to other anti-nausea meds, so they had to use some pretty expensive stuff) and told me to try and relax...

After the first liter was in, the nurse came in and said "I bet you really have to go pee now, don't you?" to which I replied no. He said "wow" and said they would come back with another liter... after that was empty, I was asked the same question. Again, I replied no... He remarked how incredible that is and how truly dehydrated I was... he mentioned off-hand that it was a good thing I came in when I did, otherwise there could have been serious problems...

Now... I think I've mentioned before about how my body hates to sleep... I have to be on medicine to make me sleep, my body simply won't do it on its own... Let me tell you how bad this problem is...
At this point, I had been awake for about 50hrs, I had probably been a few hours away from death or permanent injury and they gave me 4mg of morphine for the pain I had (due to the violent spasms, my already bad back and really started hurting) and I didn't fall asleep for another hour and even then slept for only an hour and a half...

So, I'm better now... I still haven't eaten anything since Monday (and that all came back up, so basically, I haven't eaten since Sunday). The really bad thing about all of this is that my emetophobia, which I had pretty much worked thru, is now back in full force... it will probably be a while until I can leave the house without anxiety, but I worked thru it before and hopefully it will be a shorter road this time...

The good news is (if I have to take something positive from all of this) is that I've lost 6.5lbs... not the way I wanted to do it, but hey...

I have had the strangest songs stuck in my head over the past two days... And no matter what I listen to in an attempt to drive the madness away, it siumply doesn't work...

Some of these songs I haven't heard in years... this is just odd...

This morning I wake up with 'Calling On You' from Stryper rambling thru my auditory cortex... Stryper... what the fuck?

Something is going to have to change soon or I may be forced to take drastic measures in order to make the voices go away...

Why do they come to me to die? Why do they come to me to die..?

But I'm sick of the crap she keeps sending me via e-mail...

About two years ago, I let her know that I was tired of getting a forward of every joke or feel-good philosophical nugget she came across... so she stopped sending me stuff... life was great...

Until, that is, about two months ago when she decided that I needed to see every sensationalist political e-mail she could find...

Well, today she sends me a bunch of pictures of a hostage in Iraq being beheaded with text telling me about the 'millions of Muslims planning my death' and that we should torture everyone we can get and blah blah blah...

I hadn't had the best morning today, so I was not in a very chipper mood when I got this message... so I replied:

[Name Withheld],

Send me any more feeble-minded, sensationalist crap like this again and I will block your address from my inbox.

Thanks..."

You don't think that will piss her off do you..?

Yeah, that's what I thought...